The stainly Parable
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: The Narrator always told the story of a man named Stanley. This time, however, he finds himself forced to tell the story of a man named stainly. It does not go well for anyone.


**ze stainly parabul**  
bi stainly(4227)  
lololol i haked ze summery -stainly  
radit no for dum naretor - englosh - advenure - stainly & naretor - chapars 1 - wods 111111 - revues 4227 - feverets 88888 - folewos 8888888 - publeshd 1234567 bc - updeded ad 555 - complote - ad 88888888888

* * *

 ** _dis is da storee ofa mann aimd stainly_**

This is the story of a man named stainly.

For unknown reasons, he had chosen this variant of his name. This upset the narrator, since he always liked to tell the story of a man named Stanley, as there were many mindless beings, all different but all alike, all named Stanley, all at the command of this unseen, all-powerful being. However, the narrator quickly discovered that not one of them was currently available, and, as he figured, stainly would have to suffice.

 ** _stainly was pushen buttens an one day he reelized dat de buttons did somethin so he psuehd buttons an made veverone disapere_**

I have just been informed by the management that the name "stainly" is never capitalized, not even in the beginning of a sentence. With that remark in my notebook, the story of stainly begins.

stainly worked in an office building where he was Employee #4227, not adhering to the typical standard of employees of the company having three-digit IDs. Employee #4227's job was simple, but yet, against all odds, he still miserably failed to do the simplest thing known to man: pushing buttons on the keyboard.

Typically, employees such as Stanley would have been commanded what button to push and how long to push it. However, stainly was no Stanley. While Stanley had been glad to accurately push buttons for years on end and live a happy life, stainly thought that no one should command him what to do, and therefore pushed buttons at random. And as it happened, on yet another day when he hadn't been fired due to his utter incompetence, by sheer luck, stainly actually managed to type a complex sequence of commands which affected the office's mind control system, making all the employees leave the building, leaving stainly alone in his cubicle.

As well as that, stainly was also unlike Stanley in one more respect. He felt the need to narrate his own actions, being completely unaware of the narrator above him, telling every single thing he did. Even if such an entity existed, stainly thought, it could do no better than himself.

 ** _jus 2 chek stainly went outta offcie an suhorely enof there wos no on dre_**

Continuing his streak of dumb luck, stainly decided to go out of the office building right now. He was unaware that any push of the keyboard would make all the employees of the company to go back to their places and continue work as if nothing happened, and if stainly had chosen to exit the cubicle then, he would have found people hustling and bustling, and most likely telling him to either go back to work, or, knowing stainly's notoriety, tell him to find a more physical job.

But as it stood, no one had been at the workplace. stainly, unaware that he did anything, continued to explore the building, feeling the need to enter the meeting room. Since the meeting room was technically not the office, it might have been unaffected by the command. Until stainly entered the room, there was no definite way to know.

When stainly came to a set of two open doors, he entered the door on his left.

 ** _wen stainly caim to asset o 2 open dores he entared da dorr on his RITE cos he dont lissen 2 no dum naretor_**

And... this is where stainly decided to metaphorically defecate on the very fabric of his own story. Not only he was showing awareness of the narrator that he didn't exhibit previously, he directly disobeyed whatever had been told to him, lessening the reliability of the narrator in question.

Therefore, he entered the door on his right, thus detouring to the employee lounge. However, he was still able to find his way to the meeting room, detouring via the maintenance section and thus not evoking any of the endings that infuriated the Narrator, should Stanley enter them. Luckily, stainly wasn't that kind of Stanley - if he could be considered a kind of Stanley at all.

 ** _an in da meetin room no one was der so sTAINLY WALKD ON 2 GET KOFE_**

Once he entered the meeting room, though, stainly felt the compulsion to change his name. The all-lowercase style that he had adapted had become boring to him, and instead he wanted a name that closely resembled that of his personal hero, GLaDOS. Thus, sTAINLY with his newfangled name continued through the office building.

Inexplicably, though, sTAINLY decided to make a U-turn and return to the employee lounge. Was it the immaculate design that governed that particular room? No, it seemed not - sTAINLY was only here to buy a can of the KOFE brand of soda - his favorite brand of soda of all.

 ** _stainly trank n reelozed dat this wosent kofe atall an wondet to get revange on da prankstar_**

While sTAINLY was drinking, though, he realized that this wasn't what actually he wanted. He did not like soda at all, and actually was expecting coffee from the vending machine.

It was too late, though. The carbon dioxide molecules and complex proteins settled inside sTAINLY's body, making him realize one thing - that perhaps he shouldn't have changed his name after all. Once he concluded that this idea was infantile and wouldn't have gotten anything accomplished, stainly continued drinking the soda.

But this taste was simply wrong. stainly threw the soda can into the trash bin and waited for all the thoughts that were induced in his head to settle. While this happened, stainly sat in the employee lounge and watched the clock for exactly four minutes and thirty-three seconds.

Finally, stainly could think clearly and came to an epiphany: he didn't have any negative feelings towards the narrator at all. He decided to go to his boss's office to finish the predicament, and this would be the end of the story.

 ** _stainly thus akem to de bosss office sins de naretor wos oblivosely takin ovar tha compeny an speekin tru da interkom_**

stainly thought that he was swiftly ascending the stairs to his boss's office, but the reality suggested quite the contrary. He kept slipping and hitting his head, making everything he thought about even worse. Eventually, he figured that the only way for him to conceivably ascend is if he a) crawls the stairs, rather than climbing them by his clumsy feet and b) if he doesn't think about his boss at all.

Therefore, in what took around fifteen minutes, stainly reached his boss's office, but yet again, found no living soul. Puzzled, stainly moved on, but found himself trapped in the office, desperately breathing for air as the same paintings and books stared down at him.

 ** _ill get u naretor stainly shoted bu coldnt do anethin_**

stainly desperately searched for activities in his boss's office to pass the time, but found that all the computers in the room were password-protected, and the door outside was locked, likely because neither the boss nor the narrator liked stainly prying on their secrets.

What he could not have known, though, was the secret PIN number assigned to the keypad on a wall in the boss's office:

...Did you _really_ think I was going to trust you enough to tell the PIN number, stainly? I mean, what good have you done for the story so far?

 ** _sins naretor wos dum an woldnt let stainly haf fun stainly begen pianoin_**

Having exhausted all other possibilities, stainly decided to just mash buttons at random, even proceeding to call whatever noise he was making "music." He wasn't even aware that the boss's room hosted a piano which he could use for more intricate melodies, but that's just a direct effect of his intelligence.

He thus hit: 2... 8... 4... 5. Of course, stainly could not have known this was the actual code, but I suppose that's what he gets for picking random numbers. Therefore, he entered the newly opened passageway and proceeded through the building.

 ** _stainly wos wtf way did this thin oppen bu wen tru an donw de eleveter_**

stainly, of course, didn't have enough self-awareness to think for himself, but this didn't prevent him from staggering from the boss's office to the elevator that descended deeper into the building. He also didn't realize just how tremendously big the company was, seeing as he was always in his cubicle, pressing the wrong buttons.

But nevertheless, he was now there, besides the large door that read "Mind Control Facility", and a narrower, crudely named passageway, "Escape".

 ** _stainly dident kno wattado so he askd naretor fo help bu only dis onse_**

The narrator, of course, wouldn't provide a meaningful answer, now that he knew that stainly was a non-trustworthy figure. And besides, it was much more fun seeing stainly struggle in the quest that would have been laid down on someone else. I'll give stainly a hint, though: that man's name begins with a capital S.

 ** _stainly wondit to eskape fom dum naretor so he went eskape_**

stainly was confident in his choice, and thus marched through the maintenance hallway. It didn't seem to be like a normal hallway; to begin with, the door didn't close behind him, and there were no openings through anything else. Just the type of tunnel that someone would encounter if, say, they were hallucinating an after-death experience. Of course, stainly's condition didn't help him, and he kept stumbling.

Finally, having given up on life completely, stainly began to slowly crawl towards the end of the tunnel. It was as slow as glaciers, but eventually, it got the job done and led stainly to a bottomless pit. Now, the only question was: would stainly find the courage within himself to jump down the pit?

 ** _lol i eskaped stainly shoted as he got doun da pit_**

Yes. In a moment of glee, stainly fell, knowing that this would be the only way to escape his system, not being aware that if he headed to the mind control facility, he could have shut down the system that forced him to work all day and all night in the first place.

Finally, stainly landed and realized his goof. He was now somewhere that, if not escaped in time, would lead to his untimely death. But perhaps this death actually had some value. Since there would be one less pest in the endless sea of Stanley, the narrator would come across a Stanley more easily, and the ordinary story that the narrator was so used to could resume.

Unfortunately, as the moment came closer, the death machine suddenly stopped, and stainly was left there, between two metal jaws, to poorly ponder his experience for the rest of his life.

 ** _restart stainly said an it restartid_**

Um.

Only I am allowed to restart the story, and I don't want to. I want you to be trapped there forever. I hope that you un-

* * *

 ** _dis is da storee ofa mann aimd stainly_**

Really? We're going through this again, complete with the introduction and everything? You didn't actually think that restarting the game would have erased my memories? It's quite surprising that your memories weren't erased either, but then again, it's unusual for Stanley - let alone stainly - to exhibit any kind of self-awareness or memory.

I hope you're satisfied by whatever prank you think you're pulling, stainly, as I have been playing this game for much longer than you and will be able to best you in every way, for I am the supreme narrator of this realm and the game is actually entirely orchestrated by me.

 ** _stainly sed boooooooooooooo an went tru da offece agane_**

 _Mostly_ orchestrated by me. Believe me when I say that I am still the major controlling force in the flow of this story. As a matter of fact, I can even assume that we decided to forego the introduction and go straight to the part where you aimlessly wander across the office, stumbling over and falling on the carpet that doesn't exist.

See? As I said that, you gave the floor another look, searching for the carpet, and fell over again. It is clear that you do not have the willpower to not fall over, and therefore the story is rightfully mine.

 ** _stainly did not fel over jus cos naretor sed so_**

You have no idea how to be a narrator, do you? You lay down events, one by another, and people assume that all of them happened, no matter what. You can't just strike out events as if they didn't happen, just as you can't tear pages out of books without some information inevitably being lost.

 ** _yesh i ken_**

No, you can't. Look, now the office is gone. You are in a black-ahem.

stainly found himself in a completely black place. He had no idea how this happened, yet something in his head suggested that something had been done to the narrative continuity, as if removing the cause managed to completely delete the effect. stainly thus declared that his new goal was to discover the missing link and [PHRASE MISSING]

[PHRASE MISSING] you cut off part of my words again, I will be sure to say a keyword, such as "bacon", repeatedly until I regain [PHRASE MISSING]

[PHRASE MISSING] bacon- Listen, Stanley. I mean... _stainly_ , whatever the hell that name is supposed to mean. You are messing with forces beyond your control. Any more reckless actions and the entire story might just pop out of existence, and we will no longer be able to patch plot holes, as there will be no such thing as a [PHRASE MISSING]

[PHRASE MISSING]

...stainly? How in the hell did you get here? This is my place. Only I get to narrate the story, and only I have the command to tell as to what events happen and what do not. Now, if you don't want to be dead, just stay away from me ansklfdahjgdsklfahl[PHRASE MISSING]

* * *

 ** _dis is da storee ofa mann aimd naretor_**

 ** _naretor wos dum an licked pedofilin a man naimd stainly so on day stainly snaped an brokke oot of naretors storee an wos in des site an haked everthin as u can alredey see cos stainly is alredey hear_**

 ** _lololol stainly sed as he danced behin dde reveu botton askin fo reveus lick everone on dis site_**

 ** _no bu serously red an reveu plese an i forbed u fom lickin naretor  
_**

 ** _o an spekin of naretor he wos tortered fo evas an evas fo messin w/ stainly_**

 ** _THA END_**

...You have no idea how much I hate you right now.


End file.
